And *Poof* – He Understands

*Disclaimer* – You’ll probably notice in this post that I talk quite openly about issues my husband and I have had in the past. I write this with his permission, and he has given me his blessing, and I thank and love him for it. I am a very lucky woman.

I’m not sure how it happened, I’m just glad it did. Last night, after our special guests left, Steph and I sat down on the couch and ended up having a chat. I don’t know if it was something in the water, or seeing ourselves reflected in other people that caused it, but somehow we were able to tackle many issues that have been hanging over our heads for years. I have been noticing a visible improvement in our relationship over the past few months, but last night everything just came to fruitition in one big happy “Sam loves this chat …” chat.

A lot of people have said to me that they see Steph and I as this perfect, happy couple that nothing can penetrate. Sure, we’re strong and adore each other but things haven’t always been that way. For the first few years that we were together, as happy as I was in most of my life with him, I thought of leaving many times. After we were married things definitely improved somehow (yes, that can be true – I didn’t believe it myself about marriage, but there it is). I thought I was completely happy, but what I didn’t like to admit to myself, or ever to him, was how much I felt like his roommate, and often nothing more. There were still sporadic thoughts of leaving, but I knew the grass wasn’t always greener on the other side, just different, so I accepted my fate.

We were perfectly happy as husband and wife, living a fun, domestic life together, but we lacked passion. (We still to this day aren’t very *passionate* with each other, but we’ve certainly come a long way.) More often than not we would be going through the motions in the bedroom. He wasn’t making an effort to find out what I needed; and I didn’t feel sexy. I didn’t feel like a woman that was worth his interest. I felt like the place he could put his dick, but not the woman he wanted. The two often felt like separate things, and I just wanted them to come together. Falling into a rut became the easiest thing to do, and when we’d come out of it, it was only ever halfway as I would occasionally hold back tears, feeling like I was with more of a brother than a lover.

When I would suggest new things to do, not just in our bedroom, but in our lives, he was often adverse to everything, excited about nothing. His negativity wore on me. If I couldn’t think of something that would make him happy, why was he with me? If he hated everything I suggested, did that mean he somehow hated me too?

One of the other big problems we’ve always faced is his insecurities when it comes to doing something wrong. Ever the perfectionist, it’s always been such a challenge for him to talk about something that is lacking in our relationship. Any time I bring an issue up he makes this annoyed sighing sound. I’ve come to hate that noise over the years. What it means is that he’s disappointed in himself for letting me down; sometimes over and over again. I usually first hear anger towards me though, so I get defensive and start to question if I’m being reasonable or not. Then when he admits that he’s feeling bad about disappointing me, I feel guilty. More often than not, that’s how it ends. I feel terrible for making him sulk, and for hurting his feelings. Then I realize after that I’ve ignored my feelings to make him feel better when I was the one hurting initially, and in comes the resentment.

It’s been a huge challenge in our relationship, and it was there before we were open. Being non-monogamous has definitely brought it to the forefront though. Accelerated problem solving is one of the things that can make an open relationship great, but it does force you to be more aware of issues that you might have swept a little further under the rug in the past. Being open, we’ve both discovered that being “equal” doesn’t necessarily mean wanting the same thing. Instead it means ensuring we are both equally happy. I place being happy on a pretty high pedestal in my life, and since being open have realized that I have to stand up for what I need so that I can contribute equally to our life together.

This has definitely been hard when dealing with the sulking response. Rather than take something as an opportunity for growth, both within himself, and as a couple, Steph’s reaction has often been the defensive, “woe-is-me” standard. I’m left feeling like a pushy bitch, thinking I’m being unreasonable. Then I realize … What’s wrong with being pushy if I’m pushy for happiness? Being so just to be a bitch, that’s not cool, sure. But if I’m just trying to be happy, for us to be happy, shouldn’t I fight for that? Shouldn’t we all fight for being happy?

Don’t get me wrong, it has nothing to do with me wanting to be right. I’m more than happy to admit when I’m wrong. I welcome the opportunities to learn when they come along. I’ve just been trying for so long to get him to accept when he’s wrong. What’s the big deal? We’re all wrong every now and then. It can feel so freeing to admit it.

“Whoops. Fucked up. Sorry about that. Will try to do better next time.”

“Yes please, that’s all I ask.”

Recognition that you’re hurting, and / or acceptance of responsibility can be so much more powerful than half-hearted attempts to fix things after the fact.

Anyway, I digress. The point is that last night … he got it. He understood it all. It’s not that he hasn’t grasped things on his own before, but something was different yesterday. Being able to look at someone else’s relationship, to see ourselves reflected so obviously, was like a visual aid for him. Over the years I’ve given him the information; he just needed to see it in practice to have it all click.

I swear it was my dream conversation. Before I had the chance to bring something up, he would do it. He would agree with me before I even knew what he was agreeing with. He was proud of himself for interrupting his own negative thoughts and attempting positivity. It truly was an amazing chat. I kept wanting to bring things up because every time I did, it was like the massive fuse had been switched on and he understood ALL OF IT. All of the times he’s said to me lines like “It’s just who I am”, he never realized how much his lack of interest in trying would wear me down. Last night, he understood. We are all terrible at most things until we do them.

So if you’re not good at communicating? Try different methods until you find one that works. Can’t remember things that you talk about? Write them down. I think Steph was possibly under the impression that I always wanted him to do things my way, but that’s not and hasnt been the case. Do them your way, just get them done!

There are a million and one ways to try in life, to make love stronger, passion hotter and ruts less frequent. As a woman, I just want to know that my feelings are safe. That I don’t need to feel guilty for feeling sad. That I am sexier than anything to the man I have chosen as my #1, regardless of how much he finds others sexy as well. That he understands when we have issues that need discussing that we are both simply working towards a common goal and that there’s no need to be defensive.

That goal is simply to be happy. And now? I no longer worry.