Men Only Cheat When…

Recently I was asked to write a guest blog post for Met Another Frog, about the myths behind men cheating.

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

• dating and relationships
• love
• sex
• achieving personal satisfaction on one’s own terms

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what you think.

Realization: My own practical demons

Since writing the post ‘Realizations: I Just Wanna’ Have Fun’ I’ve realized something. Where Steph has often cited cost and practicality for reasons that we don’t try new things, events, places, etc. … I’ve always – in my own mind – cited the need for sleep as a reason not to fuck.

And as much as I love getting some real sleep, especially since I often have so much trouble getting it, that’s just a dumb way to be says I.

I’d happily stay up all night with Kitty, Don or Betty, Don AND Betty as we’ve done before in the past, and then the next day be exhausted and in pain but oh boy am I happy! That should occasionally trickle over into my marriage, shouldn’t it?? Sure it won’t happen all the time and we will occasionally cite the need to sleep as a reason to wait because, well fuck … we’re married, not newlyweds, but the grand hammer of “Go to sleep, you can always fuck tomorrow.” needs to put itself back in the shed occasionally and let us go ahead and get the fuck on.

Like the other day when we didn’t get home until around 2:15 but didn’t go to sleep until 3:30. We may have been sleepy the next day but it was definitely worth it.

In conclusion; a message for Practicality. Go find another house to bore … sometimes.

Realizations – I just wanna’ have fun

I have a personal rule that I try to follow as much as possible. I don’t like to blog when I’m angry or emotional. I know I’ve done it in the past, but I highly prefer not because then I hit you folks with emotional diarrhea and I embarrass myself on the off chance that I come back and read over what I’ve posted.

But … today sucked. And I can’t hide the fact that it sucked, and I’m having trouble saying any words out loud. I’ve barely said anything all day but I firmly believe that I still have a quota of sentences that I have to release so typing is how they’re coming out today.

It’s Friday the 13th and the day started off pretty dumb, but then just got progressively worse. I’m feeling really lost and dumb as a post at work lately, making fuck ups left and right and not grasping concepts with work I’ve never done, but still … I should be able to grasp. I know it’s a means to an end, but I’m letting it effect me substantially and it’s hella’ depressing. That alone was enough to ruin my day until I started thinking about something that’s come up recently.

Steph and I both went on lovely first dates the other night with girls from okCupid. (More on my lovely date later.) When I got home, we didn’t really talk about it. For some reason I’ve always been defensive immediately and haven’t wanted to hear anything about his dates – something I’ve been trying to figure out for a long time. He also doesn’t tell me much, thinking that I’m going to have a problem – more on this in my next post. Anyway, so after I get over that, we talk and I hear more about her. She lives up the road – which immediately I find to be a combo deal. That’s half really great, easy, convenient; I’m envious yeah, but whatevs. And then the other half is that it’s too close. Too easy to visit, too easy to spend way too much with her – if things were to get that far, of course. I’m lucky because Steph realized that half before I did and expressed similar anxiety which made me feel much better.

Eventually we ended up having a relationship conversation. One that was definitely very overdue and started very innocently. While telling me about the date, with adorable, cute enthusiasm – which I absolutely cannot knock because I’m so proud of him for becoming so comfortable with meeting people when he used to dread it – he said that it was cool that we could learn about the neighborhood from someone who lives in it.

This is where my feelings changed. We’ve lived in the neighborhood for five years. There’s quite a few places we have visited and quite a lot more that we haven’t. It’s easy to fall into a rut when you’re living anywhere. You stick to the same places based on your schedule, your preferences, whatever. But something I know very well is how much Steph has always been pretty negative about new things. Trust me, the man has gotten SO much better, but he is always the first one to “put the brakes” on something new whereas I’m often up for anything.

So why did it irk me when he said what he said? Well I suddenly realized one of the reasons I’ve often been uncomfortable with him dating other people. Keep in mind that this is a few years worth of buildup and I’ve only just articulated it. So many times I’ve suggested doing something fun, something that he and I can share as an experience together. Whether it’s try a new restaurant up the road, or a night out, we’re supposed to be partners and best friends – makes sense to do fun things together. Citing cost and practicality he’ll often reject the idea, not realizing that by doing so I feel he’s rejecting me. Of course he’s allowed to not want to do the same things as I am, he’s his own person sure. If it’s something like going to the grocery store – something we have to do – of course he’ll go, but anything “fun” that we haven’t done before (or sometimes things we have done) he’ll say no to, and not always because he’s opposed to it, just because he’s basically being lazy. So when he tells me excitedly that we can learn about the neighborhood from this new chick, I suddenly realized how I’ve felt rejected for years.

I get cost and practicality. Dates get enthusiasm and agreeance.

She gets it!

The “shiny and new” syndrome doesn’t just affect going out in relationships. It can affect how we relate, how your sex life at home is vs. your sex with other people. It’s easy to do new things with new people. There’s less expectations and less history to base judgments off of. It’s also easier to try something new that you’ve wanted to for a while because someone else is there to motivate you. What’s happened to us is that over the years I’ve stopped trying as much. I’ve adapted my idea of fun to fit my situation. I’ve gotten very good at convincing myself that certain things are in my past and that’s why we don’t do them when the truth might be that Steph just says no so much that I’ve given up.

The problem I face now is suddenly my heart is filling with resentment. That’s totally my emotion and I own it, but that doesn’t currently make it any easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of fun for years. Or that I’m somehow not worth having fun with and it’s left me feeling very insecure about it on top of a lot of other insecurities I’m feeling lately. I’m angry and sad all at once. I totally hate the idea of Steph meeting someone new but NOT because I’m opposed to him dating, but because I’ve suddenly realized all of these feelings related to something I’ve been missing out on. In addition, I think it has trickled over into our sex life. I feel like I haven’t been fucked by anything besides something I was controlling for weeks. Granted I was busy at work, got the flu, and then had a period accompanied by gross migraines, but I think the practicality has seeped into there as well.

One of the reasons why I seem to be “on” all the time when in the company of the Drapers is that I’m not around them as much as I am Steph. The opportunities to let loose and enjoy naked times over there are few and far between so even if I’m not initially feeling it, I allow myself to be constantly open to fucking so as to not let an opportunity pass. But why doesn’t that happen at home? It’s so easy at home to make excuses for not having sex, or not trying the new restaurant.

We can always do it tomorrow.

But the problem with that mentality is that there’s always another tomorrow and things get pushed and pushed and pushed. It happens to both monogamous and non-monogamous couples. The catch with non-monogamous couples is that we get to try the new things with other people, which can be a great thing – but sometimes not so much.

Like right now, I just want to feel like my husband wants to do fun things with ME. Not necessarily in place of someone else, but just as well. Go out and have fun on your dates, but then have fun with me too! It’s not such a big demand. Trust me, I can be a laugh riot, but I’ve lost my confidence with him in the bedroom and in the neighborhood. Practicality has gotten in the way so much that I don’t want to suggest anything anymore – though I still do because I’ll never really lose my enthusiasm. Honestly though, often I’d rather find someone else to go out with because it’s more likely they’ll say yes to my crazy or not so crazy schemes.

But if I do that, then we continue to both lose. I need to keep trying. I need to find things we can share together and not give up so soon. And he’s admitted that lately stress has caused him to take me for granted. He hasn’t let me in and I’ve felt it. The other day I came home with some life changing news – that I’ll share with you when I can – and he asked nothing of it. I felt embarrassed to bring it up because it seemed obvious that he wasn’t interested.

And that’s dumb of both of us. We recognize that we need to get better at this. Doesn’t that sound like a strange thing to say?

“We need to get better at having fun together.”

Whatever. There it is.

Wheeeeeeeeee!

*Addendum: We DO have a lot of fun doing a lot of stuff. Don’t get me wrong. There’s just a lot of new and different stuff that I’d like to try as well.

Pwning, Part II

As the God fearing character “Manny” returns to tell us we’re all doing bad things on Sexie Sadie’s blog, I couldn’t help but comment back at him and since I wrote so much I wanted to share with all of you!

Here’s his latest comment, and you can read mine below. Fun with God and open relationships!

Manny said…

First of all I’m not Christian. Secondly, of course it is very easy to read the bible like a book and find what seem to be conflicting statements and inaccuracies. However, if someone is looking for excuses for their behavior there is an abundance of them out there. The bible is too complex to just read like a work of fiction and claim they know Gods word.

What I believe is that God, the Bible and everything holy is so powerful and so truthful that if everything in the Bible was clear cut there would be no free choice. When someone sins he would die and so on. But the reason we humans are on this planet is to be human. Make mistakes, learn from them. Read, explore and try to find the truth, the real truth. The truth that makes so much sense that your body and soul feel warm with happiness. The tranquility and the happiness one feels when he knows that he is doing the right things are impalpable.

There is no doubt in my mind that all of you living alternate lives and not truly happy. It is simply physically impossible. Just like it is impossible to touch fire and not get burned. You can cut your nerves and claim that since you don’t feel the fire you are not getting burned, but we all know you are getting burned, badly. God, who created the world and everything in it told us what will make us happy and content. And if we act otherwise we will not be happy. We may try very hard to put the sadness, the loneliness, the misery and hide somewhere deep into the subconscious. But eventually it pops up and you realize you are badly burned.

I agree it is an extreme inadequacy on my part that I keep coming back here and I just can’t help myself. I am not blaming anyone for what they do or don’t do. That would be the height of hypocrisy. My only point is, pls don’t say what you are doing is good. At least acknowledge that it is bad but you can’t help yourself. Don’t claim that your lifestyle is great and everybody should be doing it because that will bring they greatest calamity the world has ever known. God has never let civilization come to a point where acts of the type portrayed in this blog are commonplace.

We are seeing the self destructing of our society before our very eyes; all politicians are corrupt and arrogant from republicans to democrats. All everyone cares about is power, money and attention. The lifestyles that kept our civilization intact for thousands of years are being destroyed in systematic way and in an unimaginable way just a few years ago.

But just like the Phoenix a new civilization will be born, hopefully with the realization of the one and only eternal God the creator of the World known and perceived by all mankind and in his full Glory. So help us God.

Sam said:

Manny, if what I am doing makes me happy, makes me happy and brings joy and love into the lives of people I know, then guess what … I’m going to say it’s great. Before you start assuming that everyone in an open relationship thinks that everyone should be doing it, you should try to understand more where people are coming from, the purpose of blogs, etc.

My blog, and I’m sure Sadie’s as well are meant as personal diaries that we share with the world. If people going through similar situations can learn from them, great. If people just read them for entertainment, then great. If people don’t want to read them, sure, also great.

But nowhere do *most* polyamorous people state that we think everyone should follow in our footsteps. I might not think that monogamy is 100% natural, but I don’t disagree with the hundreds of thousands of people that choose to live their lives in that coupling. What works for you, is what works for you. Who am I to come in and say otherwise?

And who are you to come along and say that people who are living their lives with openness and honesty, respecting others, growing with others, admitting their faults and embracing their strengths and most importantly being happy are wrong and bad?

This ‘real truth’ that you are talking about is what many of us get to experience each and every day. My relationship being open forced me to admit a lot of truths and to learn to work towards being truly happy in my relationship and helping my husband be so as well. That would seem to be to fit with the “truth” you say we should be seeking.

I suppose that by talking about relationships so openly and communicating with our partners is bad instead of hiding our physical and emotional desires and fueling possible resentment and hostility by not communicating to the best of our abilities which must, in your eyes, be good.

I am sorry that you feel that someone who says they are happy isn’t truly happy. That you cannot see the joy that we experience as valid and let it influence your life in a positive way instead of wanting to knock it down and dissect it, for whatever God fearing reasons that exist in your mind.

I know this is an argument we can never win. You’ll always think that everything we say is a lie that we’re telling ourselves to get through the days while we know that we’re being more honest than we ever have before. And we’ll always think that you’re a nutbar while you tell yourself that your reasoning is based in logic and that really, you’re an open person who loves everyone.

So stay nutty. It looks good on you and even better on us.

Under One Roof

Over the past few years as Steph and I have gone through different dating situations, we have always discussed the pipe dream of living with those we’re fucking. Triad relationships, two couples living in the same house; these are all things that sound good in theory, and hey, who knows what the future will hold for us. Our reality right now though is that we live in a strong, married primary relationship with a secondary relationship happening as well, externally. To be honest, I don’t like using the word “secondary” because I don’t consider these people to be ‘second’, but I have to stick with the lingo as I sometimes get in trouble with the dictionary police! *shakes fist*

Occasionally vanilla friends and strangers will make a joke about us ending up in a hippie commune, surrounded by lovers and naked people, having orgies every day while eating grapes. I’m pretty convinced that wouldn’t actually be half bad. Those fucking hippies must be onto something! However, what perhaps years of monogamous societal training or maybe just my own beliefs have shown me is that my marriage with Steph is still number one.

Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely times when I push the boundaries within it. I’ve stayed out later than I should. Fucked people I probably shouldn’t have under the circumstances, and have been too emotional about guys and dolls that aren’t le husband. To be in a successful open relationship you have to communicate, so I have to make sure to tell him how I’m feeling about other people. Not to the point of making him feel insecure, but just enough to let him know where my brain is at. The honesty has become our security blanket and it’s warm and fuzzy.

There are some basic understandings that I think are important to follow in every poly relationship, whether the other people live down the road, an hour away or in the next bedroom. It can be very easy to get caught up in new relationship energy. It’s happened to me many times and I’ve mentioned in the past how sometimes skewed external relationships can be as you’re often seeing someone in dating mode and not day to day life. Which, let’s admit, can be frustrating and full of hiss.

At the end of the day, Steph and have a lot of history together and no matter how amazing and awe inspiring additional lovers may be, it’s the two of us that are making decisions for our relationship, together. When we date other people it’s important to us that they realize that we come as a package deal, even if they are only romantically involved with one of us. That means that while the other person might range from being someone who will never meet the spouse to someone who, let’s say for fun, moves into our spare bedroom, our marriage still takes priority.

If we want to have kids, change careers, tie each other up, or host a dinner party, it’s our decision. If someone was living with us, the things that would affect their living arrangements would of course have to be discussed with them. Secondary relationships are important, and I feel the most successful ones start with a basic respect and understanding of the primary relationship that has allowed them to exist in the first place.

History deserves respect and consideration and should be treated as number one, in my opinion.

Now the situation would be different if Steph and I started our relationship with another person or couple. Then we would form our own way together being fair to everyone involved. This is not to say that treating a primary relationship as the “lead” in a house is unfair; I do think it is necessary and would want myself to ensure everyone involved had an understanding of the basic hierarchy in the house.

Perhaps this goes against a lot of traditional poly “love everyone” ideals, but my point is to discuss polyamory for those of us who have long been involved in more “regular” situations, giving ideas on how to integrate the two without stepping on too many toes. Going from monogamy to non-monogamy is not the easiest thing to deal with, and should be treated as a situation requiring care, attention and most importantly respect.

Do I love the idea of having two husbands? Or a husband and a wife? Or TWO husbands and a wife? Absofreakinglutely. I just know that if any of it were to happen then for those of us involved in the primary relationships it would be hella important to remember where we came from.

Then what a journey it’ll be to get where we’re going.

And the lady will have …

The jury is still out on chivalry and its relation to equality, and I think always will be. The politically correct ninjas of the 90’s would like everyone to believe that men and women are equal, but I think somewhere along the line the message got a little skewed. Just like in that little book, oh what’s it called? Ah yes, the bible.

Men and women should get paid the same wage for doing the same jobs. Men should not let women rudely jump ahead of them in line, waiting for the bus, just because they’re women. Men should take out the trash. Haha, kidding on that last one. Well … kind of.

Being treated equally by government, employers, family and friends is important and something women have had to fight to win for a long time. However, ignoring the wonderful differences between guys and dolls that makes us unique and special is, in my opinion, a tragedy.

Our brains are generally wired differently. Men are often – and I’ll insert a not always disclaimer right about here – better at being really really good at one thing – often their career – while multi-tasking is something that the ladies excel in. That’s not sexist, it’s science and I’m sure has been proven somewhere at some point in some sort of too expensive study. Women react very differently to sexual responses, often acting on emotions and senses while men are guided more by their cocks. Also science.

So onto chivalry, and for the rest of this conversation, chauvinism.

Chauvinism by its very nature is sexist. I should not be endorsing it as an appropriate type of behaviour for men OR women, but I do find it fascinating and am going to tell you all the reasons why. Now depending on how it is being delivered, chauvinism can also be very ignorant, cruel and unnecessary. Thousands of men still believe that women are beneath them, and this behaviour is intolerable. Thousands of women also play up female chauvinism by perpetuating the idea that women are dumb and all we have to offer is our pretty lil’ faces, tight asses and perky titties.  That’s why I like to daydream about something a little more playful; chauvinistic chivalry.

Anyone who knows me should be well aware of my love for Mad Men. We love the show so much that  ‘The Drapers’ ended up being perfect nicknames for two people closest to us. There’s something so attractive about these male characters who at their core are really swell fellas’, but they’re living in a time when it’s expected of them to call a gal ‘Sweet Cheeks’ and smack her on the rear. Nowadays, this probably wouldn’t fly at work – and if it would, well I want to work where you do! – but there is something to be said for the combo of chauvinistic jackass meets sweet, loving man.

The show makes me swoon. Countless times I have watched it and been left feeling more turned on than even I would admit to. I cannot deny the strange old-fashioned pull of a man who will defend my honor to his death but will also ask me to fetch him a beer, and by ask I mean expect. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Don Draper.

Swooning for that expression. That confidence.

I see the same in Bill’s character in True Blood. Being one bazillion years old, or however old he is as a vampire, he comes from a different era. A time when men were MEN and he’s had to learn to adapt to an evolving society and changing rights for women. When he deals with Sookie his love interest, there is a sexy intensity between the two that reminds me of my own relationships. It is made up of his knowledge that “he knows better” dueling with his absolute adoration of her.

I think the healthiest relationships are those that can have some fun with a little chauvinistic chivalry. Sure us gals are strong enough and smart enough and by golly people like us, to open our own car doors and pull out our own chairs, but it feels NICE to have someone do it for us. Putting up a stink about being treated like a girl is kind of a waste of time. You are a girl! Milk it, honey!

I would much rather walk past a man, have him smack me on the ass playfully and then make me feel loved, safe and romanced, ie: like a woman, then be with a guy who degrades “chicks” and “skanks” in front of me or behind my back.

So. Get you a beer, love?

Comper … what?

I’ll admit it. Even though I’ve been in an open marriage with Steph since August of 2006, I can be a bit of a polyamory newb sometimes. It was only this past winter when having dinner with S (guy I dated last summer / fall) that he mentioned the term compersion to me, assuming that I was very familiar with it. Truth be told, I don’t think I’d heard of it before, but I know now that it can be very key to any successful non-monogamous relationship while remaining one of the hardest things to master.

According to our faithful online friend Wikipedia: Compersion is a term used by practitioners of polyamory to describe the experience of taking pleasure that one’s partner is experiencing pleasure, even if the source of their pleasure is other than yourself. The feeling may or may not be sexual. Quite often it’s not.

In simple terms, it means that I would be happy if Steph is hanging out or fucking or who knows whating someone else, because he’s happy. Sounds logical. Happy equals happy, right?

He and I were discussing this last night. His happiness has always been influenced by mine as he’s a bit of a mood sponge. In fairness, I’m a bit of force when feeling any emotion, and it’s hard to not get caught up in it. When I’m down, he’s generally down, and when I’m up, he’s generally up. Perhaps it’s because I’m a woman, perhaps it’s just because I’m me, but my life is often a rollercoaster of emotions, at least thankfully a lot more good than bad. If you lined up our emotional graphs on top of one another, his would be a pretty consistent straight line with mine moving up and down like a feather on the wind. Think Forrest Gump ending scene. Ah, such pretty music…

Moving on. During all of our relationship, but especially noticeable now, is how truly happy he is when I’m happy, no matter what I’m doing. I’ve been dating people, or doing strange, kinky things that make me smile, and even though he might not understand it (you like being slapped where??) sometimes he’s so amazingly easy going it blows my mind. Keeeerrrblaaammo.

And then there’s me.

I like to think that most things I do in life I do while considering if someone else’s happiness is going to be effected. I hate causing bad feelings and sometimes I worry too much about other people and forget about myself. Not so much the case with Steph dating. It took us quite some time to get to the stage where we both were good “compersioners”.

In the past I would try to be happy for him when he’d head out into the dating world. It’s not that I wasn’t slightly content; I was glad he was getting out and meeting people – not much of a social butterfly, my husband – but there was a part of me that wished he would maybe make some regular, male friends first. You know, good ol’ regular bromance.

I found it impossible to be 100% happy for him enjoying someone else’s company while he was still doing things at home that either hurt my feelings, drove me crazy or weren’t consistent to the life we were making together, in my opinion. He, on the other hand, was always able to separate our home life from our dating lives using his master skills of compartmentalizing. I know now that it didn’t have very much to do with the people he was seeing, or the things he was doing, but issues that we had together that needed to be resolved.

The first time that I found myself experiencing a somewhat skewed example of what I now know as compersion was during a threesome. I realized then that I enjoy watching him. I wouldn’t classify myself as strictly voyeur – there’s definitely an exhibitionist streak in me – but seeing my partner being sensual with someone else reminds me of the things that I find attractive about him. It’s like an out of body experience: a big sexy non-dead out of body experience. There are times when it stings still, when he thinks I’m not looking and I catch an intimate moment between he and a lady, but I don’t believe it’s completely necessary that I have to get over that 100 % of the time. If it’s not causing any problems and I’m generally pretty compersion-y (compersionesque?), then I’m not worried.

Finally I’ve gotten much better at experiencing real compersion when he’s out with someone else. Throughout our open relationship we’ve learned that a lot of the issues that I was having with women he was seeing had more to do with our own problems that needed fixin’. Once we were able to work on our shiz, to really feel strong as a couple, it became so much easier for me to be happy for him in his dating adventures.

Nowadays I’d consider myself a much better compersioner than I used to be. He knows what I need to feel safe, secure and sexy in our relationship, and I know the same of him. By always working to make sure these needs are being met we can both be happy for each other and ourselves.

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Dating Horror Stories – Episode 3

Keep ’em coming! This dating disaster comes to us courtesy of Jay at http://jesterjay.tumblr.com. This story sparked a bit of conversation at the office today. Should his friend have told him everything about this girl? Should his date? Does it matter? It’s not my place to judge, just share the stories.

{Share your dating stories with Samantha, and the world. E-mail your favorite disaster dates to notyourmothersplayground@gmail.com and she’ll share some on NYMP!}

Read this story here.

And *Poof* – He Understands

*Disclaimer* – You’ll probably notice in this post that I talk quite openly about issues my husband and I have had in the past. I write this with his permission, and he has given me his blessing, and I thank and love him for it. I am a very lucky woman.

I’m not sure how it happened, I’m just glad it did. Last night, after our special guests left, Steph and I sat down on the couch and ended up having a chat. I don’t know if it was something in the water, or seeing ourselves reflected in other people that caused it, but somehow we were able to tackle many issues that have been hanging over our heads for years. I have been noticing a visible improvement in our relationship over the past few months, but last night everything just came to fruitition in one big happy “Sam loves this chat …” chat.

A lot of people have said to me that they see Steph and I as this perfect, happy couple that nothing can penetrate. Sure, we’re strong and adore each other but things haven’t always been that way. For the first few years that we were together, as happy as I was in most of my life with him, I thought of leaving many times. After we were married things definitely improved somehow (yes, that can be true – I didn’t believe it myself about marriage, but there it is). I thought I was completely happy, but what I didn’t like to admit to myself, or ever to him, was how much I felt like his roommate, and often nothing more. There were still sporadic thoughts of leaving, but I knew the grass wasn’t always greener on the other side, just different, so I accepted my fate.

We were perfectly happy as husband and wife, living a fun, domestic life together, but we lacked passion. (We still to this day aren’t very *passionate* with each other, but we’ve certainly come a long way.) More often than not we would be going through the motions in the bedroom. He wasn’t making an effort to find out what I needed; and I didn’t feel sexy. I didn’t feel like a woman that was worth his interest. I felt like the place he could put his dick, but not the woman he wanted. The two often felt like separate things, and I just wanted them to come together. Falling into a rut became the easiest thing to do, and when we’d come out of it, it was only ever halfway as I would occasionally hold back tears, feeling like I was with more of a brother than a lover.

When I would suggest new things to do, not just in our bedroom, but in our lives, he was often adverse to everything, excited about nothing. His negativity wore on me. If I couldn’t think of something that would make him happy, why was he with me? If he hated everything I suggested, did that mean he somehow hated me too?

One of the other big problems we’ve always faced is his insecurities when it comes to doing something wrong. Ever the perfectionist, it’s always been such a challenge for him to talk about something that is lacking in our relationship. Any time I bring an issue up he makes this annoyed sighing sound. I’ve come to hate that noise over the years. What it means is that he’s disappointed in himself for letting me down; sometimes over and over again. I usually first hear anger towards me though, so I get defensive and start to question if I’m being reasonable or not. Then when he admits that he’s feeling bad about disappointing me, I feel guilty. More often than not, that’s how it ends. I feel terrible for making him sulk, and for hurting his feelings. Then I realize after that I’ve ignored my feelings to make him feel better when I was the one hurting initially, and in comes the resentment.

It’s been a huge challenge in our relationship, and it was there before we were open. Being non-monogamous has definitely brought it to the forefront though. Accelerated problem solving is one of the things that can make an open relationship great, but it does force you to be more aware of issues that you might have swept a little further under the rug in the past. Being open, we’ve both discovered that being “equal” doesn’t necessarily mean wanting the same thing. Instead it means ensuring we are both equally happy. I place being happy on a pretty high pedestal in my life, and since being open have realized that I have to stand up for what I need so that I can contribute equally to our life together.

This has definitely been hard when dealing with the sulking response. Rather than take something as an opportunity for growth, both within himself, and as a couple, Steph’s reaction has often been the defensive, “woe-is-me” standard. I’m left feeling like a pushy bitch, thinking I’m being unreasonable. Then I realize … What’s wrong with being pushy if I’m pushy for happiness? Being so just to be a bitch, that’s not cool, sure. But if I’m just trying to be happy, for us to be happy, shouldn’t I fight for that? Shouldn’t we all fight for being happy?

Don’t get me wrong, it has nothing to do with me wanting to be right. I’m more than happy to admit when I’m wrong. I welcome the opportunities to learn when they come along. I’ve just been trying for so long to get him to accept when he’s wrong. What’s the big deal? We’re all wrong every now and then. It can feel so freeing to admit it.

“Whoops. Fucked up. Sorry about that. Will try to do better next time.”

“Yes please, that’s all I ask.”

Recognition that you’re hurting, and / or acceptance of responsibility can be so much more powerful than half-hearted attempts to fix things after the fact.

Anyway, I digress. The point is that last night … he got it. He understood it all. It’s not that he hasn’t grasped things on his own before, but something was different yesterday. Being able to look at someone else’s relationship, to see ourselves reflected so obviously, was like a visual aid for him. Over the years I’ve given him the information; he just needed to see it in practice to have it all click.

I swear it was my dream conversation. Before I had the chance to bring something up, he would do it. He would agree with me before I even knew what he was agreeing with. He was proud of himself for interrupting his own negative thoughts and attempting positivity. It truly was an amazing chat. I kept wanting to bring things up because every time I did, it was like the massive fuse had been switched on and he understood ALL OF IT. All of the times he’s said to me lines like “It’s just who I am”, he never realized how much his lack of interest in trying would wear me down. Last night, he understood. We are all terrible at most things until we do them.

So if you’re not good at communicating? Try different methods until you find one that works. Can’t remember things that you talk about? Write them down. I think Steph was possibly under the impression that I always wanted him to do things my way, but that’s not and hasnt been the case. Do them your way, just get them done!

There are a million and one ways to try in life, to make love stronger, passion hotter and ruts less frequent. As a woman, I just want to know that my feelings are safe. That I don’t need to feel guilty for feeling sad. That I am sexier than anything to the man I have chosen as my #1, regardless of how much he finds others sexy as well. That he understands when we have issues that need discussing that we are both simply working towards a common goal and that there’s no need to be defensive.

That goal is simply to be happy. And now? I no longer worry.

BD what? … Part 2

As if opening up your relationship isn’t sometimes intimidating enough, imagine how it feels when one partner decides to pursue outside BDSM relationships. Without proper communication to discuss the ramifications of this, things can get sticky, so I offer you some thoughts / experience / advice to take with you.

To start with, don’t judge – try not to at least. If your partner comes to you with a sexual fantasy that they want to share with you, the worst thing you can do is make them feel ashamed about it. They are coming to you as a safe place, and to judge them isn’t fair, supportive or helpful. If you do feel that urge to judge when your partner tells you they might like to be dominated or to dominate, get dressed up in latex, or whatever else floats their boat, take some time to think about it before you decide how you feel:

• Does the idea of your partner in a role possibly outside the norm that you know them in scare or intimidate you?

  It’s perfectly normal to feel this way. When we are with someone for a period of time, roles become defined. If one partner generally wears the pants more often, it can be scary for the other person to imagine them removing them, pun intended, to allow someone else in. For example, seeing your strong partner desire to be “weak” can do a real mind fuck with you if you don’t try to discover the reasoning behind it.

• Are you worried for what it means to your relationship?

  Let’s say your partner gets off on pain but the thought of physically “hurting” them is too much for you to bear. Don’t allow that thought to threaten your security. Remember that when you came into your relationship you were two separate people and it’s ok to have separate interests now.

  Open relationships allow us to experience different things with people. We all have friends in our life that exist for their own distinct reasons. This is somewhat an extension of that idea. You don’t have to be the person that smacks them if you’re not comfortable, but trust me, it is definitely fun to experiment. Allow yourself to be open to new thoughts and ideas you might not be initially comfortable with.

• Do you feel that your role is more blurry?

  This is a big one. A man I know found himself in a situation where his wife of 20 years became involved with a Master. For a while he was angry often, not being able to deal with the situation as it was. He had to realize that what she wanted was for her, and didn’t reflect on their relationship together. For my husband, the idea of meeting Harvey, when Harvey and I used to have a somewhat d/s relationship, made him feel inferior and unsure of himself and his role as husband to someone who was occasionally submissive.

  If your partner wants or is being dominated by another, it’s perfectly understandable that you would feel threatened by this. Chances are that if you are involved or getting into non monogamy you have a pretty equal relationship to begin with. Bring in an outsider who’s going to be dominant with your partner, and you might just feel that they are indirectly dominating you.

BDSM can involve many things. Sometimes it’s psychological play, sometimes strictly physical. Other times a combo of the two, and sometimes just light play. If you are looking to explore these areas while in a relationship, it’s important to sit down and talk it over with your partner.

Recently someone told me that he had realized it wasn’t that he didn’t want to dominate his wife, just that for the longest time he didn’t know how. When you’re so used to the roles you exist in, stepping out of them can be very intimidating, even (translation especially) with the person you feel the safest with. This is why it can be easier to experiment with someone new. The history does not exist and can be formed from scratch as you go. Don’t fault yourself if your partner is able to slip into a new role with someone else. Instead, look at it as an opportunity for some personal growth and reflection. Perhaps time to step outside your comfort zones together.

From my own experiences, when I first discovered an interest in BDSM, my friend Harvey led the way. Realizing that I wanted to please him and make him proud was made all the more obvious when he hauled off and slapped me one night for not doing as he had asked. Of course it was part of play and I enjoyed it thoroughly, but my husband did not act favorably to it. He couldn’t understand why Harvey hit me, and why I enjoyed it. This was a year and a half ago and we’re only now able to start bringing more of this style of play into our relationship.

Once he realized how it made me feel, and the reasons I enjoyed it, he started to come around to embracing it, and stopped judging. Not to say that he’ll ever be fully into it, but that’s ok because he doesn’t have to be. We have been able to let our roles together evolve. He understands why I enjoy it so much (read BD what: Part 1), and I understand his level of comfort with things.

There are no rules that say you must be into everything your partner is. There is nothing that dictates that the two of you must share the same experiences. The only rule I suggest you have is to communicate. Rather than allowing new kinks and fetishes to threaten or intimidate you, look at them as a time to learn and experiment. By taking some pressure of yourselves and taking baby steps, you’ll figure out your new roles sooner than you think.