Under One Roof

Over the past few years as Steph and I have gone through different dating situations, we have always discussed the pipe dream of living with those we’re fucking. Triad relationships, two couples living in the same house; these are all things that sound good in theory, and hey, who knows what the future will hold for us. Our reality right now though is that we live in a strong, married primary relationship with a secondary relationship happening as well, externally. To be honest, I don’t like using the word “secondary” because I don’t consider these people to be ‘second’, but I have to stick with the lingo as I sometimes get in trouble with the dictionary police! *shakes fist*

Occasionally vanilla friends and strangers will make a joke about us ending up in a hippie commune, surrounded by lovers and naked people, having orgies every day while eating grapes. I’m pretty convinced that wouldn’t actually be half bad. Those fucking hippies must be onto something! However, what perhaps years of monogamous societal training or maybe just my own beliefs have shown me is that my marriage with Steph is still number one.

Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely times when I push the boundaries within it. I’ve stayed out later than I should. Fucked people I probably shouldn’t have under the circumstances, and have been too emotional about guys and dolls that aren’t le husband. To be in a successful open relationship you have to communicate, so I have to make sure to tell him how I’m feeling about other people. Not to the point of making him feel insecure, but just enough to let him know where my brain is at. The honesty has become our security blanket and it’s warm and fuzzy.

There are some basic understandings that I think are important to follow in every poly relationship, whether the other people live down the road, an hour away or in the next bedroom. It can be very easy to get caught up in new relationship energy. It’s happened to me many times and I’ve mentioned in the past how sometimes skewed external relationships can be as you’re often seeing someone in dating mode and not day to day life. Which, let’s admit, can be frustrating and full of hiss.

At the end of the day, Steph and have a lot of history together and no matter how amazing and awe inspiring additional lovers may be, it’s the two of us that are making decisions for our relationship, together. When we date other people it’s important to us that they realize that we come as a package deal, even if they are only romantically involved with one of us. That means that while the other person might range from being someone who will never meet the spouse to someone who, let’s say for fun, moves into our spare bedroom, our marriage still takes priority.

If we want to have kids, change careers, tie each other up, or host a dinner party, it’s our decision. If someone was living with us, the things that would affect their living arrangements would of course have to be discussed with them. Secondary relationships are important, and I feel the most successful ones start with a basic respect and understanding of the primary relationship that has allowed them to exist in the first place.

History deserves respect and consideration and should be treated as number one, in my opinion.

Now the situation would be different if Steph and I started our relationship with another person or couple. Then we would form our own way together being fair to everyone involved. This is not to say that treating a primary relationship as the “lead” in a house is unfair; I do think it is necessary and would want myself to ensure everyone involved had an understanding of the basic hierarchy in the house.

Perhaps this goes against a lot of traditional poly “love everyone” ideals, but my point is to discuss polyamory for those of us who have long been involved in more “regular” situations, giving ideas on how to integrate the two without stepping on too many toes. Going from monogamy to non-monogamy is not the easiest thing to deal with, and should be treated as a situation requiring care, attention and most importantly respect.

Do I love the idea of having two husbands? Or a husband and a wife? Or TWO husbands and a wife? Absofreakinglutely. I just know that if any of it were to happen then for those of us involved in the primary relationships it would be hella important to remember where we came from.

Then what a journey it’ll be to get where we’re going.

And the lady will have …

The jury is still out on chivalry and its relation to equality, and I think always will be. The politically correct ninjas of the 90’s would like everyone to believe that men and women are equal, but I think somewhere along the line the message got a little skewed. Just like in that little book, oh what’s it called? Ah yes, the bible.

Men and women should get paid the same wage for doing the same jobs. Men should not let women rudely jump ahead of them in line, waiting for the bus, just because they’re women. Men should take out the trash. Haha, kidding on that last one. Well … kind of.

Being treated equally by government, employers, family and friends is important and something women have had to fight to win for a long time. However, ignoring the wonderful differences between guys and dolls that makes us unique and special is, in my opinion, a tragedy.

Our brains are generally wired differently. Men are often – and I’ll insert a not always disclaimer right about here – better at being really really good at one thing – often their career – while multi-tasking is something that the ladies excel in. That’s not sexist, it’s science and I’m sure has been proven somewhere at some point in some sort of too expensive study. Women react very differently to sexual responses, often acting on emotions and senses while men are guided more by their cocks. Also science.

So onto chivalry, and for the rest of this conversation, chauvinism.

Chauvinism by its very nature is sexist. I should not be endorsing it as an appropriate type of behaviour for men OR women, but I do find it fascinating and am going to tell you all the reasons why. Now depending on how it is being delivered, chauvinism can also be very ignorant, cruel and unnecessary. Thousands of men still believe that women are beneath them, and this behaviour is intolerable. Thousands of women also play up female chauvinism by perpetuating the idea that women are dumb and all we have to offer is our pretty lil’ faces, tight asses and perky titties.  That’s why I like to daydream about something a little more playful; chauvinistic chivalry.

Anyone who knows me should be well aware of my love for Mad Men. We love the show so much that  ‘The Drapers’ ended up being perfect nicknames for two people closest to us. There’s something so attractive about these male characters who at their core are really swell fellas’, but they’re living in a time when it’s expected of them to call a gal ‘Sweet Cheeks’ and smack her on the rear. Nowadays, this probably wouldn’t fly at work – and if it would, well I want to work where you do! – but there is something to be said for the combo of chauvinistic jackass meets sweet, loving man.

The show makes me swoon. Countless times I have watched it and been left feeling more turned on than even I would admit to. I cannot deny the strange old-fashioned pull of a man who will defend my honor to his death but will also ask me to fetch him a beer, and by ask I mean expect. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Don Draper.

Swooning for that expression. That confidence.

I see the same in Bill’s character in True Blood. Being one bazillion years old, or however old he is as a vampire, he comes from a different era. A time when men were MEN and he’s had to learn to adapt to an evolving society and changing rights for women. When he deals with Sookie his love interest, there is a sexy intensity between the two that reminds me of my own relationships. It is made up of his knowledge that “he knows better” dueling with his absolute adoration of her.

I think the healthiest relationships are those that can have some fun with a little chauvinistic chivalry. Sure us gals are strong enough and smart enough and by golly people like us, to open our own car doors and pull out our own chairs, but it feels NICE to have someone do it for us. Putting up a stink about being treated like a girl is kind of a waste of time. You are a girl! Milk it, honey!

I would much rather walk past a man, have him smack me on the ass playfully and then make me feel loved, safe and romanced, ie: like a woman, then be with a guy who degrades “chicks” and “skanks” in front of me or behind my back.

So. Get you a beer, love?